Justified to vent

So many times I've sat down to write only to save the post but not publish it. The posts consist of rants and raves about how hurt I feel to be stuck back at square one...again. To be trying to get pregnant again but with no success. They've never been published because I don't feel justified to vent. I feel like the pain I'm going through doesn't hold a candle to other peoples pain. That my "problem" isn't big enough to worry or stress over. And probably in the light of day it really doesn't. I may be making a bigger deal about it than is necessary. And I never want to discount the pain others are dealing with and the situations they are going through. I respect each and everyone of my friends and family that are dealing with similar/greater problems than mine. For the moment though, I hurt. I truly thought this time around would be different - easier. But I feel overwhelmed acting like everything is ok. I desperately desire to be strong and faithful. And I know God has a plan for my life and the position He has put me in again. Is it because He knows I'm strong enough to handle it? Is it because I'm totally NOT and it's a test of my faith? He wants to see where I'm at, who I will rely on to get me through, and how strong my faith in Him really is? Maybe it's all of it. I would love to say that each month that passes and I'm not pregnant, I look at the negative pregnancy test and say in a cheery voice and a shrug of my shoulders "Oh well, better luck next month!" But that is completely not the case. I'm broken...numb and void. I desire more for myself but how to reach that place of power and faith is foreign to me right now. I read back at blog posts from the month I got pregnant with Paisley and I had faith. REAL faith. Where did that go? Do I still pray with power like I did? Have I lost the urgency to seek His face completely and surrender my will to Him? Have I not proclaimed His name and given him complete control? I'm sure a psychologist would have a hay day picking through my thoughts and fears...

Yes, it does make it so much easier to have Paisley. She brings so much joy to my life. And I know God has a plan through this all. I just wish I knew what it was....don't we all.

Even though I don't know His plan, and it is tough I choose to stand strong and be joyful, because the joy of the Lord is my strength. And this is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it. He made this day I'm living for a purpose and for that is reason enough for me to rejoice and be glad!

I had more thoughts but they have all escaped me...so I will leave you with this beautiful picture.